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This book is about my Story of 24years with the catholic church orphanages in Christchurch New Zealand and my fight for Justice for the abused and sexual abused men and women in the catholic church orphanages, who had no one to protect them as children, in the hell hole orphanages around the world
Ann is the survivor of severe multiple kinds of child abuse she endured during her long stay in two New Zealand orphanages. You can now read her book "Say Sorry." for more on her story, as above, and the fight for justice for all victims of abuse by Catholic clergy.
The Good Shepherd and then the Nazareth House nuns
took the place of my family. They told me my mother was dead. In the
two orphanages life needed to meet the nun's requirements. In part this
meant that, because my mother was sinful, if I was not beaten to change
me, I would be too. So they said when they beat me.
As a child I
was different from some of the other children who the nuns loved,
praised and pampered. I understood myself as stupid - someone who could
not expect teaching in a classroom. This was a privilege for girls who
were worthy of it.
I knew of other children like me also had to
work and were hit like I was. But I was hit if I formed a friendship so I
understood that I could not share my feelings - that it was wicked to
do so: I had only my own world to live in like a cocoon. I knew of
others outside it, but could not reach them as they could not reach me.
At least, not in any comforting sense.
I never knew the nuns
thrashed and punished other girls like they thrashed me. I never knew
why and you never talked about it. Other girls got hit in line for
Church or school the way I did - pulled out of line and slapped and hit
for nothing.
It was like a bomb hit me when a women came up to me
at St. Josephs reunion in 1997 and told me of the times when I was
punished. I had not thought about it - probably since it happened -
because after every punishment you spent all your time trying your
hardest to be good for the nuns. Trying so hard to polish the floor or
whatever; not to talk; not to wet my bed - not to earn the punishment.
But however hard you tried, the nuns found reasons why I needed to be
punished and they hit and boy they hurt.
I find it hard to think
about it because to remember it to re-live the fear and confusion - the
unhappiness of being a child able only to hope that if! earned the
nun's favour, I would become one of the children who the nuns cared
about; who had a life which was sure to end in Heaven. Instead of being
the child the nuns' found me to be - who needed to be beaten for her
mother's sin and because, although there was little hope for it, that
might help me to be worthy of love - eventually God's love.
The nuns said that the punishment, especially if I
inflict pain upon myself, brings you closer to God. So when they
punished me I used to think about Jesus on the cross. They used to read
stories of the martyrs - they specially worshiped St. Peter Chanel, who
was stabbed to death in the Pacific Islands. We were told to be like
him.
I have lived my whole life without much of God's love. The
nuns taught me that I was not worthy of it. God's love was for other
better children. God did not want me or for me to have love. The nuns
did not want me, or for me to have love or happy thoughts, or family.
God took my beautiful son from me in a car crash in 1993 to punish me
for making contact with my family - the nuns/God had decided I was not
entitled to a family.
And if you ask me what, as a child, I
thought that was for, I can only say, because I deserved only
punishment. I do not know what for - as a child I talked when I
shouldn't have, but usually I did not know what I was punished for,
except for my own good; that I might change and become one of those who
God loves and who are able to get to Heaven.
The beatings were
not my fault. I was not a bad child, could not have been a child who
deserved the punishment - as a child I had not deserved those things. I
believed the nuns were good; they were doing God's work. I am still not
sure, although I am angry about the beatings. I will explain how I still
think I deserved it; because God punished me in 1993 by taking my son. I
do not know what I did wrong except that I must still be the bad person
the nuns had to thrash.
I always knew it was a childhood filled
with pain and confusion. I now realize the nuns who were good; were
doing God's work, were also cruel, were vicious women, monsters.
I never thought that the things that I was afraid of were caused by my childhood experiences.
What
sticks in my mind about the nuns is how they always told us that we
were no good, all I heard every day was. "You'll never be any good, your
mother never wanted you, you'll end up in the gutter like her, no one
will ever want you.
It is so hard to forget that - it is there
all the time. What the individual members of the two Orders did and what
the senior members of the Orders allowed, was a reign of terror and
fear for the helpless children.
By that I mean that the children who had help -
from a solo parent who couldn't care for them but who the nuns respected
- were not terrorized. The orphanage old girls who stick up for the
Orders and its work are either ones who, although mistreated, have
remained in a relationship with the Church and the Orders, which suits
them; or the ones who were well treated as children because the nuns
either liked them or recognized that there was someone else watching out
for them.
The ones, like I was, who were totally at the mercy of the nuns, it now seems like we were treated without mercy.
There
were some of us who were unlucky enough to be singled out as 'the
chosen ones' of the priest, nuns; lay workers and the older girls of the
two orders, who picked us out to sexually abuse us. The sexual abuse
has scarred me for life and no amount of counseling can cure me of the
pain I feel, within.
The injuries inflicted on me, were severe
physical beatings; child labour; semi-starvation; cold and poor
clothing; overwork; lack of education; emotional abuse; physical abuse;
spiritual abuse; sexual abuse; sadistic torture; pain; suffering from
carers and those trusted with our care, who we trusted - through no
choice of our own, these sadistic people who hid behind the image of
being saintly people in the service of God.
Corporal punishment
was common in both girls and boys Catholic orphanages, the nuns in
particular had exercise power over the girls for the rest of our lives.
The
Catholic orphanages were at the bottom of the ladder, in the childcare
system, catering for underprivileged and illegitimate children and the
nuns purposes was to keep us at the bottom of the ladder. The children
from Catholic orphanages were society's undesirable children, to be kept
out of sight and in their place, with no rights like other children.
Because
I was illegitimate I was deemed only for domestic service and labouring
jobs. As it was, I did "men's work in a little girls body" expected to
work from 5:30am to late at night, seven days a week. From when we were
five we had to work on their farm, it was hard heavy work, especially
for us little ones and what was worse, was the fear of not knowing when
you'd get a crack across your head, ears, face and legs or back, from
the nun walking behind you.
Some of us girls had beautiful wavy
hair, the nuns hated us and told us we were vain, I didn't know what
vain meant. They would try to straighten our hair by wetting it and then
pulling on our hair, telling us that we were ugly, I believed them and
hated myself so much that all my life I would not look at a mirror and I
don't have one in our bathroom. I know now that I was not ugly as a
child but I wish I'd known then. It might have given me a bit of
self-esteem.
I never really forgot the brutality, I can put it
to the back of my mind, but it comes back at me, especially the
nightmares and head pain. Boy! are they bad, that I want to bang my head
against the wall. They won't go away. I've heard people say, "that was
just the way things were in those days" and I get very angry, Those nuns
had very bad tempers and they never had to control their tempers. I
don't know how they could live with their consciences, with what they
did to us and all of the abuse that they did.
What still makes me
upset more than anything else, is that they got away with it. I did
nothing at all, All I wanted was some one to be kind to me. The part
that gets me is why were they beating us like this, because I was
certainly not the only one that got whipped. You know I still wake up at
night thinking about it, trying to work out why. . . ?
The
brutal beatings consisted of numerous punches with her clenched fist to
my face, she broke my nose five times and burst my ear drums. I never
did see a Doctor about my nose or my ears, the nuns just seemed to not
care about how I felt, when I was in pain because it was them who had
cause it.
I would fall to pieces at the very sight of the nuns
as they would pick on the girls who did not have parents and we who were
illegitimate, we got the worst of the beatings, then I would get it
again because I wet my bed, I wet my bed until I was ten and then off
and on until I was nineteen years old, I was beaten into pulp for it.
It
was the beating and the fear of the nuns is why I wet my bed. I was
treated like I was unwanted, something to be hidden away and to be
ashamed of. I was so scared.
They would say you were telling
lies, but you weren't, you couldn't say that, if the nuns said you were a
liar, then you were a liar. The nuns use to make me open my mouth and
put a cake of soap on my tongue, they then pushed my month shut and I
had to keep it shut on the soap, my mouth would be foaming, as well as
me being so sick and kept vomiting, they did not care what state I was
in. It was worse than the concentration camp for children.
Some
of the girls committed suicide, some are in mental hospital, some are
homeless living on the streets; some are alcoholics and some are in and
out of prison. The most difficult thing in life is when you are put down
so much as a child, you don't have any confidence, it really does hold
you back.
I was terribly nervous, I felt that I was nuisance to
everyone around me, I still am doubting myself, I don't have any
confidence. I think it is a kind of a fear, the same kind of fear I had
as a child growing up, all those years ago.